When The FEAR Sets In

I have so many ideas for post topics in my head.

I have even started many times only to hit DELETE--DELETE--DELETE.

I just can't get the jumbled thoughts on paper or the blog-o-sphere.

I think it is due to pregnant/paperchasing brain.

Or maybe I just don't want to put it out there. Yet.

So.

We are adopting again.

Our Home Study is final, approved and on its way to us.

Next step. Send off I800a application tomorrow.

What? Wait a minute.

This is supposed to be going s-l-o-w-l-y.

Why is it that paperchases that you want to go at mach speed take F.O.R.E.V.E.R.?

But the one you say we will just take our time.

It takes one month for all of the paperwork to be D.O.N.E. except the I800a.

Which are averaging 60 days right now.

Not great.

But they have sped up since we started a month ago.

So, what does all of this mean?

I do not know.

I know it has this Momma wondering what is UP?

And I do mean UP. As in UP THERE.

Because I know God knows.

And while that leaves me feeling at peace, I admit to having some freak-outs with Him as of late.

Yesterday, I had to take the Li'l Miss to her PCP. I KNEW it was strep throat. She acts the way she was only when she has strep.

As the doctor was finishing the lowdown, my phone rings. I glance down and see (703) ... .

And my heart literally starts pounding.

I couldn't get outta there fast enough.

Li'l Miss looks in the sticker basket at Ms. C's desk on the way out.

Even though the sign says "1 sticker please", Li'l Miss gets 2 EVERY.SINGLE.TIME.

Because Ms. C spoils her. But there was but 1 sticker left.

"Come on, Li'l Miss, we gotta go." [thinking in head: why in the world was our agency calling???]

"But, Mommy!, I need 2 stickers. There is just 1 left. I NEED 2 STICKERS!"

Ms. C. has been cornered by a pharmaceutical rep. I wait momentarily and then as kindly as I can, I say, "Excuse me, Li'l Miss needs to talk to Ms. C."

Rep. obliges ... sort of. We get the 2nd sticker and head out the door. I can't get to the van fast enough.

Why is our agency calling???

Tap, tap, tap. Me dialing back the number.

"Hello, This is XXX."

Me: "Oh my goodness. Thank goodness it was only you."

Social Worker: (as she laughs) "Only me?"

Me: "Oh well you know. I just thought it was someone calling from Corporate. I am NOT ready for THAT CALL yet."

SW: "Oh, I see. No, just me calling to ask you to do this. I forgot at our last meeting."

With this adoption, unlike our last 3 adoptions, I just don't feel as hurried.

I know we are where we are supposed to be. That I am sure of.

But a long wait for a referral sounds great to me right now.

Maybe that is weird.

But it is honestly where I find myself today.

I know one day that phone will ring with the 703 number on the caller ID window.

And my heart will start racing.

And the person on the other end will say, "We have a referral for you. She is ... ."

And all will seem right with the world.

And I can't wait. Even if that takes months. Or longer.

I prefer "Emotionally Challenged"

Wife:  So, what are you looking forward to most when we get our new baby?
Me:  Uh...  I donno.
Wife:  Okay, um, what colour do you think we should paint in their room?
Me:  Uh... I donno.
Wife:  Okay... what do you think about the new chainsaw?
Me:  OH!  The new Huskvarana 21" with dual clutching system?  With the bigger motor which has automatic chain lubrication and an improved steal and... why are you looking at me like that?
Me:  Are you mad?
Wife:  ...
Me:  I can tell you're mad.
Wife:  ...
Me:  Did I do something wrong?
Wife:  ...
Me:  I did something wrong.
Wife:  ...
Me:  I'm sorry.  I'm an idiot.
Wife:  Okay.  Do you want to talk about Adoption or not?
Me:  Uhhhhhh... No?
Wife:  GREAT!  What do you think about the new adoption policy that Zimbabwe is passing in relation to the International Adoption Agreement signed in Geneva in the Summer of 1997 by the 14 major countries of international adoption and ratified in August of 2003 by adding Section 3.1.3.(b) Article 14 Annex 27?  Just talk to me!  Tell me your thoughts about adoption!  Just give me SOMETHING!
Me:  .... uh... mmmm... I think Angelina Jolie looks great after adopting 4 kids!
Wife: ...
Me:  What?!  Oh wait... are you mad again?
Wife:  ...
Me:  But you wanted to talk about Adoption!

Aaaand, and that's how it goes sometimes.  Look, its not that we men are INTENTIONALLY idiots when it comes to "things" like this.  Emotional things.  Adoptive things.  Its not our fault... men and women are different.  And those differences can cause problems between us.  :-)

Apparently, we (men) are from Mars, then they (women) are from Venus.  I'm a waffle, and she is Spaghetti.  Apparently there are 5 Love Languages, women speak 5, and we Men don't listen.

Men are wired (I think) to fill the role of a Protector and Provider.  However, the adoption process really strips away any ability we have to fill that role.

As an adoptive father, we can not "protect" anyone...

• We can not protect our family from the emotional up and downs during the adoption process.
• We can not protect our not yet adopted child from any pain or hurt of not being part of our family yet.

 We can not "provide" anything for anyone either...

• We can not provide a quicker adoption process.
• We can not provide "guaranteed" success for our child, or our family.

We are left, stranded as men, torn between what we want to do (ie: protect + provide) and what we can do.
And we are left in a state of... well, "idiot" - if idiot were a state of mind.

So to all the Moms out there, who have had to deal with Dads who seem more interested in their power tools than they should be... We're sorry.

We're not idiots... we just "Emotionally Challenged".

Which, by the way, is not the same as "Emotionally Negligent".  Recently, we started our 2nd adoption process.  We had been made aware of a wonderful 8 year old girl in a wheel chair who was looking for a good home, and right from the get-go, my wife and I both felt differently about this wonderful 8 year old girl.

My wife, bless her soul, was abounding in love!  Reckless in desire and lacking desperately any sense of practicality or fore thought.  

I was, bless my soul, the perfect example of cold calculation, and being "Emotionally Negligent".  How could we care for a girl in a wheel chair?  We have a 3 floors in our home!  We have 4 other children!  Our car isn't big enough!  We don't have a "lift" to help her up or down the stairs!  We can't afford it!  We just can't do it!

See?  Not wheel chair accessible (as if that matters)...

Aaaah, what a selfish thought.  And I even convinced myself that I was UNselfish.  That I was looking out for the good of the whole family, and/but I was putting the needs of our existing children before the needs of any future child whom we may welcome into our home.

Room for 1 more

I hate to admit it (trust me I do)... by I think my wife was right.  We can get a lift... eventually... I mean, I can work more overtime right?  We can love a child in a wheel chair.  We can make adjustments to our transportation.  

But there was no "logical" ah-ha moment which made me realize that my wife was right and I was just throwing out excuses.  It was the moment when our Adoption Practitioner said we could not adopt an 8 year old out of birth order.

It was the moment when all my excuses were stripped away... and not because we found solutions to all my worries.  

No, my excuses were stripped away because we were not allowed to adopt her.  And for the first time I was able to look at this wonderful 8 year old girl and realize... that she was amazing, and wonderful, and deserves to be loved beyond all reason - and in a perfect world, in a world where I'm not "Emotionally Challenged", I could be that... I CAN be that.  We all can be that.  

We just have to get past our own emotional challenges, if that is fear, or lies of what we can and can not handle, telling ourselves that there is someone else out there for them, that our life style isn't suited for such and such a child... all valid statements... but useless to that child waiting to belong to a family. 

It is sad that we had to loose her, for me to truly see her without all the emotional baggage I was carrying.

There IS Loss

A recent post by TongguMomma has really had me thinking A.L.O.T.

Right after I read her post, which I keep going back to just to read the comments, I received a very unexpected piece of mail. As in, snail mail, all the way from the East. Long story short, we had ordered a care package through a well-known service back in early February. We included a SASE in the package that was supposed to be for our waiting son to send a note back to us. I don't know what happened … something was lost in the translation, he didn't want to write us (which is completely acceptable and understandable if that is the case), he was never given the SASE and the offer to write us … I don't know and probably never will.

Interestingly enough, the SASE contained a copy of the document we had sent the care package provider with 8 questions on it—the one that was supposed to be sent back to us by the provider and was supposed to be translated. The questions had been answered, and they had been answered in Chinese … with Mandarin characters … which I nor DH can read AT ALL. I will not go into the details of how I was able to get this translated, but I finally did get a translation thanks to another adoptive parent and her very kind co-worker.

I will admit I had butterflies in my stomach the other day as I opened the email titled "Translation Enclosed." What would it say?

I immediately scanned down the screen to read the answer to the one question for which I most wanted an answer: "How does [our waiting son] feel about being adopted? Happy, sad, excited, scared?"

I will not share the answer in full, but I will tell you it included the words happy and sad.

And I cried.

I have lay awake many nights thinking about all of the LOSS our waiting son has faced, much of the details I don't know and probably never will … but some I know enough to feel actual pain in my heart for him because of the details I do know … and yet, I am not him … and I know the pain of the losses has been and will continue to be far greater for him … I don't think these are losses one can ever truly "get over."

He is not finished experiencing losses associated with the fact he was abandoned by his first family. He is in a very loving foster family. And he is not going to be staying there … and so that is a loss. A loss I do not think of without tearing up. I have photos of them together. I have words that convey the relationship they share.

And I am crying as I type thinking of that loss, and my part in that.

You may wonder as me, Why can't he stay?

I can't answer that.

I wish I could.

If only life were that simple.

Along with so many other questions: why couldn't he stay with his first family? I know enough to know there must have been and still most likely is much pain from that loss. For both our waiting son and his first family.

As I thought of TongguMomma's post more in light of what I read on that translated email, I thought of the many comments, which I so appreciated and devoured really. I just don't know why all of the loss and pain exists in the world (well I do know … because of sin and our fallen state as people) … but I know God does make beauty from ashes … and for some of us, especially our children who were adopted … He TRULY DOES make beauty from ashes … and He heals wounds.

And yet some wounds … leave scars … and they are evidence of the pain endured.

I can see how our son's losses will never be far from his heart. He is not a baby. He already has a Mama. She is in China, taking care of him now.

I am a stranger to him. Nothing more really. An image perhaps. An ideal maybe. A person who is causing his world, his life as he knows it, to be completely torn apart.

I can call myself Mama to him when we finally meet … but he already has someone in his life to whom he calls out Mama. We've sent photos and more photos and still more photos along with letters and some gifts for him and his foster family.

But our gain of a son will come with much loss for him … and his China Mama … and so many others before her.

I am thankful for Sk*ype and email and connections and knowing other adoptive Moms whose older children were adopted through the same SWI. Those connections are PRICELESS to me, not because they are so much about me … but because they are a lifeline to his past and can hopefully remain in his present once he is here … home with his new family.

How will we help him cope with all of the loss, part of which is being brought about by our adopting him? Honestly, right now, I can't see very far ahead. I know we'll first and foremost recognize his losses. That HAS TO BE a first step on our parts.

As I see the grief come out still for our daughter, who was living an unimaginable existence in an SWI where she was losing weight daily and dying from heart disease … I realize that no matter how meager one's existence is … it is that person's existence. And even losing that existence brings about grief and feelings of loss and pain. Even this loss, her loss of a very meager existence, is VALID.

Thankfully, for our son, his existence is not just being in a place where he is sometimes fed, sometimes clothed and hopefully sheltered. No, his existence is full of love, sacrifice, hope and healing. And as much as it brings me physical pain to think of taking him from that, I know my pain in no way compares to what his pain has been and will be.