Trust and Pretty Shoes

Trust is a funny thing.  You kind of don't notice it, until it is gone... or was never there.

I think the sword and shield is the universal symbol for
"I don't trust you yet!"

Me:  Okay Ping, we have to run into my work for a second, then we will go home.
Ping:  Okay.  Can I see where you work?
Me:  Of course.  Here we are...
Ping:  Oooooh, you have a lot of computer.
Me:  Yes, yes I do.
Co-Worker:  Hello, you must be Ping!
Ping:  How you know my name?
Co-Worker:  Because your Daddy has told me all about you.
Ping:  What?!  Are you joking me?
Me:  I talk about you all the time.  I tell everyone how beautiful you are, and how nice...
Ping:  I KNOW you are joking me!
Me:  No really, I do.
Ping:  Uuuungh.  Daaaaaad!
Me:  Okay, Ping, this is Daddy's friend Miss Y.
Co-Worker:  You have very pretty shoes.
Ping:  WhaaaAAAAaaaat?
Co-Worker:  I like your shoes.
Me:  Miss Y has a bit of a shoe problem.  She has a whole drawer full of shoes!
Co-Worker:  WHAT?!  I DO NOT!
Ping:  What?  You joking me again?
Me:  Nope, look in the bottom drawer of her filing cabinet.
Ping:  *looks at drawer*  That is a big drawer.
Me:  Yes it is.  And it is FULL of shoes!
Ping:  *looks at Miss Y*  Do you has shoes in dere?
Co-Worker:  No.  No I do not.
Me:  Hey!  You can't lie to a little child!
Ping:  My Daddy is joking me.  Right?
Co-Worker:  Right.  You are so smart!
Me:  Hey!  Don't tell her I'm lying!  You want my daughter to think I'm lying to her?!
Ping:  *thinks hard, looks at me, looks at Miss Y*  You got shoes?
Co-Worker:  No.
Ping:  Daddy joking me, I know'd it!
Me:  *siiiiigh*

... two weeks later while having breakfast ...
Ping:  Mommy, Daddy joked me.
Wife:  What?
Ping:  He say, his friend have shoes in drawer.  But I know'd he joking me.
Me:  Ungh, its Miss Y at work.  She has a drawer FULL of shoes, but she won't admit it to Ping.  So Ping thinks I'm lying to her.


... a while later ...
*ring* *ring* *ring*
Me:  Hello, you've reached the Yeti at work.
Wife:  Hey, we're just passing by and Big D needs the bathroom, can you let us in?
Me:  Yea sure.  Is Ping there?
Wife:  Yea, why?
Me:  I want her to come in and see Miss Y's shoes.
Wife:  ... really?
Me:  Yes!  She can't continue to think I'm lying to her!
Wife:  ... really?!
Me:  Okay, Miss Y, Ping is coming in a couple minutes.  I need you to show her your shoes, because she thinks I'm lying to her...  and that is not good.  We don't need more attachment issues.
Co-Worker:  Oh fine.  I'll show her.
*Ping comes bounding in*
Me:  Hey baby, look, do you remember Miss Y?
Ping:  Yes!  You don't have any shoes in your drawer!
Co-Worker:  That's right!  I have no shoes in my drawer!
Me:  What?!  No shoes?!  Ping, just go open the drawer, you will SEE them all!
Ping:  Daaaaaad, stop joking me.  I go see Mom now.  Bye.


... a few weeks later ...
Me:  Hey Miss Y.
Co-Worker:  Hey, oh, hi Ping!
Ping:  Hi.  Do you have shoes yet?
Co-Worker:  How do you remember that?
Me:  It is very important to her.  You know, because she thinks I'm lying and all that.
Co-Worker:  Okay, Ping, come here.  Look.  *she cracks open her drawer a little*
I'ts like in some cheesy movie where Pandora's box is opened - light comes streaming out of the drawer, illuminating both the girls faces...
Ping:  WAaaaaOOOOWWWW?!  YOU HAVE SHOES IN YOUR DESK!
Co-Worker:  Shhhhhhhh!
Ping:  DADDY!  YOU NO JOKING ME!
Me:  I told you I wasn't joking you.
Ping:  Can I see all your shoe?
Co-Worker:  Sure.
And the two girls spent the next 1/2 hour reviewing all 30 pairs of shoes, in the drawer, hidden under the desk, and behind the computers...


See, trust takes time.  Love, you can't rush it, but you can help it along... maybe, after all, I know a thing or two about da ladies.  You can buy flowers, bring chocolates, stand out in the rain holding a ghetto blaster above your head while playing Extereme's "More Than Words" outside your beloved's window... ghetto blaster... no, it is a real word.  It was something for playing music.  Kind of like an iPod.  But bigger.  A LOT bigger.  Yes, it was portable.  You could put it on your shoulder.  No, not your pocket.  Yes, it had batteries.  About 12 D-Cells.  What's a D-Cell?!  Oh c'mon!  I'm not THAT old.  Where was I?

Oh yea, but back to trust, how do you help advance it?  How can you build it?  I'm not sure.  I mean, I can be as steadfast in my love, and as trust-worthy as one can possibly be... but trust is really out of my hands.

See, with the shoes, I was tell the bang on 100% truth.
Ping, just simply did not want to believe me.
There was nothing I could do to change her mind.

In love, in attachment, I could have read any number of books... okay, I could have had my WIFE read any number of books, and there would bee different ways to address love and attachment.  I'm sure there are ways to try to encourage the growth of trust as well... but I haven't read anything on it... or, my wife hasn't read anything on it and told me all about it.

But what can you do for trust?  I had thought of pointing out every trust worthy thing I did in a day...

• Hey Ping, remember when you were on the stairs, and I did NOT push you down them!?  Yea, see, I'm trust worthy!
• Ping, remember when you came home from school, and were banging on the door to let you in?  Yea, I totally let you in.  I didn't have to.  But you can trust me.  I opened the door.
• I TOTALLY didn't eat your Skittles!  Your Mom did.
• Remember when I said you were driving me crazy?!  Well, look!  I'm CRAZY!

Maybe that's a bad idea.  Maybe trust is just something that grows with time.  I can't force it.  Goodness knows I want to.  But each day, she trusts me more and more.  I'll just keep bring trust worthy, and maybe she will eventually believe me... you know, over some total stranger that she just met like Miss Y.

What's not to trust?!

But in the end, I know it is hard for her to trust, it is hard for anyone to trust who has been hurt before - sometimes a "wounded" perspective makes it hard to see how people may love you.  So am I going to worry about it?  Nah.  Will it hurt when I can see it plain as day that she doesn't trust me?  Yup.

But then I'll choose to see past that, to adjust MY perspective to see where she can and will be able to trust me.

Like when she gets scared at night, and calls out "Daddy, I'm scared of the dark!" - trusting that I will make it better.  I just remembered, before I started this post, she was crying about the dark saying she was scared... a great opportunity to help her confront her fears head on, and help her over come them, to build that bridge of trust between us... or, I may have simply told her something along the lines of "suck it up, you're fine!  Get back to bed."  

Hmmmm... and I wonder why we have trust issues... just... can't... figure it out...

The Undiagnosed Special Need

Well, out little Bing is home, and has been for the past three weeks or so.  And he is doing great (at least with me).

HI!  I'm HOME!  And I'm CUTE!

For those who follow our Forever Family blog, you will know that Bing as some Special Needs.

When we got his referral, it stated that he did have Spinabifida.  I know I've talked about Spinabifida time and time again, so I'm not going to cover it here.

Then, we found out two weeks before my Wife travelled to China to bring Bing home, that Bing had been diagnosed with another Special Need - Vitiligo.  Which can be a minor cosmetic need, or a more severe auto-immune or thyroid condition.  Again, I think I've covered Vitiligo a few times, so I'm going to move onto the 'Undiagnosed Special Need'

This 'Undiagnosed Special Need' is a rather bad one as well.  It affects not only our little Bing, but the whole family.  Not just our family, but it can affect almost everyone he has known.  And in fact, there is no medicine to help, no surgical option and no guarantee that he will ever recover from it.  And it is also the reason this post is a little late today... because I was dealing with it last night.

What is it?  Keep reading.

Friend:  So how are things settling down with Bing?
Me:  Oh good.  Better than expected.
Friend:  So he has stopped hitting your wife and likes her now?
Me:  I wouldn't say that.  He gets along better with her.
Friend:  Hummmm... I wonder why.
Me:  Yea, I'm not sure...

Wife:  WHY IS HE CRYING?
Me:  I DON'T KNOW!  LET ME TRY TO ASK HIM!
*I turn to the 'Screaming Wonder'(tm)*Me:  WHY ARE YOU CRYING?!
Wife:  ASK HIM IN CHINESE!
Me:  Oh, right.  为什么你哭了？
Bing:  我的妈妈回来！
Me:  He wants his Mom to come get him.
Wife:  WHAT?!
Me:  HE WANTS HIS MOM!
Wife:  I AM HIS MOM!
Me:  HIS OTHER MOM!  THE ONE HE KNEW HIS WHOLE LIFE.  HIS FOSTER MOM!  BOY CAN HE EVER CRY LOUD!
Wife:  WHAT?

Me:  Yea, can't figure it out.  I wish he would give me a clue or something.

Me:  Why is his shirt covered in blood?
Wife:  Because he got a nose bleed he was crying so hard.
Me:  But he stopped crying!
Wife:  Oh... just wait a second... he will start again.
Me:  你好炎兵！
Bing:  *incoherent babbling*  爸爸 *more babbling* 飞机 *babbling* 回来！*begins crying again*Wife:  What is he saying.
Me:  Something about an airplane, and his Dad.

Friend:  Do you think it is because your wife is the one who took him away from China?
Me:  Yea, maybe.  Bing had been in the same foster home since he was 20 days old.  So really, the foster family were his mother and father.  I don't think a two year old understands the concept of "foster".

Bing's Foster Sister (BFS):  We all miss Bing very much.
Me:  I know.  He misses you all as well.
BFS:  I catch his Mom, everyday she looks at his picture you sent us and she cries.

Now, I am no Doctor.  But when I was younger, I liked playing one.  I am however, a Father.  And as such, I feel I am distinctly qualified to diagnose our sons 'undiagnosed special need'.  See, our son is suffering from a Broken Heart.

No, no CVT Valve, or holes in the muscle problems.  Those are different... those types of Special Needs are commonly diagnosed as Heart Defects.

My son has a fine heart.  No defects.  It is however, simply broken.

And as his Heart continues to Break... so to do the hearts of his new Mother and new Father.  His new brothers and sisters hurt for him, and his Foster Family back in Taiyuan miss him greatly and their hearts are breaking as well.

I have seen Broken Hearts render even the strongest man distraught and useless.  I have seen Broken Hearts take years to heal, if ever at all.

Unfortunately, there is no surgery to fix his condition.
Time is often considered to be a healing factor... but time can also cause the pain to worsen.
I have no medicine.
No crutches.
No words to soften the pain.

Cuddles help... its like Tylenol(tm) for a Broken Heart

I have two arms strong enough to hold him when he cries, and a heart big enough to love him while he hurts... but I can not fix this Special Need.

I really wish they would list this special need on the Adoption Reports.  Maybe it would help prepare the parents of these hurting children so we can better help and understand them.  Give them more grace when they cry, and more patience when they push us away.

Hope, as one Broken Hearted child continues to heal her
broken heart, she can pass encouragement onto the others

And if you DO have a child who is suffering from a Broken Heart, you are not alone.  I think almost everyone has had a Broken Heart at least once in their life.  :-)

And always remember the words of the highly regarded Rick Astleys, who obviously was trying to overcome someone else's broken heart, their doubt in love and dealing with a difficult past in love.  His words continue to help young people overcome Broken Hearts even today (20ish years after his initial writings were released):

Never gonna give you up
Never gonna let you down
Never gonna run around and desert you
Never gonna make you cry
Never gonna say goodbye
Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you

Sleepless in Beijing

So the wife is currently in China, and I'm still here in Canada.
The Wife, BigD (our 2nd eldest son) and our new son Lukai are about 5 days away from coming home.
There have been a great many thing which I've learned over the last few weeks.  Some of them related to adoption, most related to our new son, and even a little about myself.

So instead of coming up with a comprehensive, well written, insightful and thought provoking blog post today (like my other blog posts have been really deep and insightful, I know), I'm going to walk though many of the emotions and "things" which have come up over the last few weeks.

I think this is a good idea, mostly because I am grotesquely sleep deprived and forming any coherent though feel well beyond reason and possibility... but also because it is my hope that everyone reading this either has, or will have had the opportunity to have an energetic little boy (or girl) throwing die-cast cars at their spouses head while you yell in vein over Skype (in chinese) to stop throwing said die-cast cars at their new mother... er, wait, what I meant to say was "I hope everyone gets to experience the joys of adopti... er family!"

Special Needs be darned!
See, I was expecting and prepared for SpinaBifida.  But just a couple weeks before we left, he was diagnosed with a 2nd previously unknown special need - Vitiligo.  Now, we don't really care about the Vitiligo - it could be as trivial as a cosmetic issue, or as severe as a thyroid or auto-immune deficiency.  What we were scared of was *someone* deciding that the adoption was no longer allowed.  Our provincial government could have decided that this special need was not "on the list" and therefore, the terms of adoption are no longer valid.  Someone in China could have decided that it was no longer in the best interest of the child to be adopted.  It was a few days of complete emotional panic as we tried to re-assure our adoption agency, our province and China that we still wanted to adopt little Lukai.

1st meeting between Mom and Lukai

But the bottom line was, we already loved our child, even though he was not home yet.  And if tomorrow any one of my children were diagnosed with Vitiligo, it would not have changed my love for them.

Little Boys are Energetic!
It has been a while since we've had a little boy around the house.  I think its been about 9 years since we've had a little high energy, rough and tumble little ball of AAAAAHHHH stop throwing things at my head!!!  But that is OK.

Looks happy, but apparently dosn't like swimming

Well, it is OK for now, because he is still in China, and I am safe and sound over here.  My wife however, is looking a little tired.

When the 1st Words out of your Child's Foster Mother's mouth are "He is Such a Naughty Boy"
... take it at face value.  :-)  Oh cute for sure.  Little at that smile.  Those rose coloured cheeks!  How could he ever be so Naugh... hey, hey, put the car down!  No, don't you smile at me like that.  Finger wagging and head shaking is universal.  Wipe that smile off your face.  Don't you DARE throw that OWWWWWW!

That is the foster mom in the middle

She did happen to say that he was a naughty boy in the loving, endearing way that only a Mother can, where you know you are loved, but oh so close to getting into serious trouble!

Being Stuck at Home playing "Mom" for 3 Weeks is NOT fun
I don't know how you Moms do it.  I really don't.  I mean, I now understand why my wife yells at the kids.  I mean, being a Dad, you sometimes see your wife snap at the kids with the old "Oh I have told you a THOUSAND times!!!", but I didn't really understand it until now.  Until the 12th day of getting them ready for school as they run outside in their bare feet and no coats... and I'm standing in the door way, yelling like a crazy person "GET YOUR COATS ON!".   Oh, and I understand too why when I come home after work and am all "Hey, how YOU doing?" she isn't at ALL interested in how I'm doing.  She wants to sleep.  I get that, now, more than ever.  Because I'm not even interested in how I'm doing after a long day of work, children, cleaning, laundry, and all that stuff.

Never Judge a Foster Parents by their Picture
... even if they look so very unhappy.  My wife was able to meet Lukai's Foster Mom (you can read about it here), which was AMAZING.  And WAY better than we expected, after THESE photos.   But I just finished an hour long Instant Message (via QQ) chat with them, and their hearts are breaking.  I know that in China, if the foster family wants to adopt the child they are fostering, that they have to come up with the orphanage donation - which is something like 35,000RMB.  Or roughly two years wages for the average worker.  I do not know what happened with their family, if they tried to keep Lukai, if they wanted him to get a home, but I DO know that they love him deeply.  They said repeatedly that they are happy he is with us, but they miss him.  My Chinese will never be good enough to express my thanks to them, and pay them the respect and honour they deserve ... and it is not because I suck at Chinese, it is simply because words can not express things adequately, regardless of language.  However, if I knew Interpretative Dance, I think I could have nailed what my heart wanted to say!

See, my child is still 1/2 a world away.  And that is all I care about.  Getting him home, holding him in my arms, hearing him laugh (Skype just doesn't cut it), and dyes, even dodging the odd die-cast car launched at my head.

All the Special Needs, pain, troubles and worries pale in comparison to my desire to simply hold my child for the 1st time.

Now, my next post might be asking the best way to bandage head wounds inflicted by flying die-cast cars...

I Got This

Refuses to let me help her tie up her gia...

Ping:  I no can do this!
Me:  What's wrong baby?
Ping:  I no can fix my gia.
Me:  Well come here, I can fix it.
Ping:  You know how do it?
Me:  Yea, I got this.
*I tie up Ping's gia for karate class, and she runs out of the bedroom*
Me:  Ahhhh, kids are cute.
Wife:  Oh yea?  What did she do?
Me:  Oh she was just all panic'd that she could not tie up her gia properly.  It must have seemed like a big problem, because she was pretty upset.
Wife:  And you fixed it for her?
Me:  Of course.  That's what Daddies are for.  Sometimes they are so determined to be independent that they won't let me help, but eventually they get tired of trying to do it on their own.

Son#1:  My bike tires are flat.  I can't get them pumped up.
Me:  Why not?
Son#1:  I can't get the pump thing on the other rubber thingy.
Me:  Ahhh, I see.  Okay, I got this.
Son#1:  Mom already tried.  It won't work.
Me:  Hey, just trust me.  I got this.
*A couple minutes later, Son#1 jumps on his bike and goes 'cruzing'*
Me:  Ahhhh, it's good to still be needed.
Wife:  Huh?
Me:  He needed some help with his bike.  I got it fixed up for him.

This is one part of being a father that I really enjoy.  The ability to take care of things for the ones I love.  There is something so satisfying when you can see a situation and help solve it.  Not everything is solved so easily.  Some issues the family face are larger than others... and everyone has a different perspective on the issues currently in progress.  But we parents are not immune to getting scared or confused at times.

Adding a couple of bedrooms for the new additions to the family...

Me:  What do you mean?
Banker:  Well, the money can't be released until the home renovations are 40% complete.
Me:  But... my house is missing part of it's roof.
Banker:  I understand.
Me:  And my one wall is almost completely torn down.
Banker:  I understand.
Me:  And I kind of need the money to complete the construction.
Banker:  I understand.
Me:  But you are telling me that I have no money to pay for the roof trusses, or anything else?
Banker:  That is correct.
Me:  ... okay.  Um, I'm just going to go and cry now.  Can I call you back later.
Banker:  Yea, call me tomorrow.  I'll see if we can switch from a Construction Mortgage to a Refinancing Mortgage.
Me:  Yea... *click*
God:  I got this.
Me:  Yea?  Do you?  Cuz I thought you did.
God:  I got this.
*ring* *ring* *ring*
Me:  Hello.
Wife:  Hey, don't be mad.
Me:  Uh-oh.  Look, if it is about money, if you spent any money today, just don't tell me.  Talk to me tomorrow about it.
... awkward silence...
Me:  ... you spent money?
Wife:  I had to put the down payment on the roof trusses.
Me:  What?  Why?!
Wife:  Because the builder said that we were running out of time.  Even with ordering the trusses now, they won't be ready until November.  And they can't risk running into the snow and stuff.
Me:  Okay.  No.  That's fine.  You did the right thing.  How did you pay for it?  The bank account is a little bare right now.
Wife:  I had to use the money in the adoption fund.
Me:  Okay.  Great!  No.  That's... that's fine.
Wife:  Are you okay?
Me:  I'm just freaking out a little about money right now.
God:  I got this.
Me:  Did you hear that?
Wife:  Hear what?  Look, we will be okay.  We have three weeks before I leave for China.  We will get the money back.
Me:  I still don't have the money from the bank for the renovations, and there are some complications...
Wife:  Well, I prayed about it, and went on faith that everything would be okay.
God:  I said, I got this.  Just trust me.
Me:  Okay, you know what, you're right.  It is okay.  I'm sure that the money will come in in time.
Wife:  Love you.  *click*
Me:  Okay God... I donno how this is gonna work... but this is totally in your hands now.
God:  I got this.
... about 2 hours later ...
*ring* *ring* *ring*
Me:  Hello?  Oh, why are you crying?
Wife:  I just got a letter in the mail from my Mom and Step-Dad*.
Me:  Oh?  Everything OK?
Wife:  They just sent us a check for more than twice what I had to pay for the roof trusses!
God:  See.  I told you I got this.  Ahhhh, kids are so cute.  Trying so hard to do everything on their own and be so independent.

See, like my own kids, I struggle with what goes on everyday.  I try to do as much as I can on my own strength and when things go wrong, I try to "fix them".  But really, there is only so much I can do.  But what I am learning, is that sometimes, it is best that I let go, and give the control over to someone else...

• While I was busy complaining about having to wait over 135 days for our LOA, that wait was giving my wife's friend a chance to save up money so she could go to China to help my wife.
• While I was busy trying to speed up some paper work, that delay made it possible to travel at the same time as another adoptive family we know, which ensures my wife will never be alone - and there will be at least 1 other Dad there to help look out for our 11 year old son and do all the 'manly' things.
• While I was busy trying to get a construction mortgage set up, the delays in that saved us thousands of dollars (a long story).

Lukai - coming home Nov 24th

Life doesn't always make sense when we are going though it.  It must not have made sense to our little Ping, Lukai or the other 147million children in orphanages without a mother and father... but there was a Father in the picture, who looked lovingly upon them and softly whispered to them "I got this".

Then that same Father turned his attention to us and whispered softly...

... and I'm so happy we were listening.

* I could blog a whole bunch about my wife's Step Dad.  He has been just a wonderful support though both our adoptions.  He is an adoptive parent as well... but that is for a different post, for a different day.

Ming bai

I love this word in Chinese:  明白, or, if you do not have Chinese fonts installed on your computer, it is "Ming bai".

Little Lukai whom will arrive in Canada on Nov 24th!

Now, why do I love it?  Because it means "to understand".  Or, to "see clearly".  Literally, I think it means something like "bright" (ming) and "white" (bai).  And obviously, "bright white" is something which is clear, or easy to see and understand... not cloudy or convoluted.

Ping:  Daddy, when Lukai come?
Me:  Well baby, Lukai is going to come home in November.  Your Mommy and big brother D are going to goto China, and bring Lukai home.
Ping:  I was in China!
Me:  Yup.
Ping:  And you and Mommy and K came and got me!
Me:  Yup.
Ping:  Just like Lukai?
Me:  Yup.  Mommy is going to go to China, and bring Lukai home, just like when we brought you home.  Ming bai?
Ping:  Ming bai.
Me:  Good.
Ping:  Daddy...
Me:  Yes?
Ping:  You shave?
Me:  Yes, I will shave for Lukai.
Ping:  Good.  Because you have to shave.
Me:  Ming bai.

Lukai standing in his Foster Parents Yard

I love that Ping is able to see us as a family go though the adoption of our son Lukai.  It is amazing how many times she asks about her adoption, how she questions what happened, why we came, why she "had no Mommy" (her words!  Not mine!  Don't no one yell at me!), etc.  I also find it amazing that she thinks me shaving will help the adoption... mmmmm...

And we do our best to explain things on her level... but of course, they can only absorb and understand so much.  But watching us adopt Lukai... where SHE is on the inside now.  Where she sits at the table and listens to to us talk about Lukai while we eat, while we play, when we go to bed and pray for him... well, now... now she gets it.  Now there is a 明白 (ming bai) understanding that she could not see before.

This 明白 (ming bai) extends beyond just the actual act of adopting, and is starting to help bring bai-ness to other areas as well.  Lukai also has Spinabifida.  And like trying to explain adoption to a 4 year old, it was easier for them to understand it when they could see it.  Ping gets to see Spinabifida now from "the other side"... not the one with Spinabifida, but the one looking in.

Ping:  Lukai have an owie on his back?
Wife:  Yes.  (making muffins for diner)
Ping:  Like me?
Wife:  Yes.  Just like you.  (still making muffins)
Ping:  And his back is broken.
Wife:  No, not broken.  See, when he was in his Tummy Mommies tummy, part of his back is missing some bone.  Do you remember what that means?
(I love the way she keeps talking to Ping about these issues without turning them "into issues".  There is no "oh come sit over here and lets cry about this".  It kind of reminds me of when a child falls and scrapes their knee... if the Mommy looks shocked and starts screaming, well, then the child does as well.  But if the Mommy keeps calm, so too the child.)
Ping:  Ummmmmm... yes!
Wife:  Okay, well, when he came out, his Mommy loved him SO much that she had to get him to a Doctor to fix his back.  And they did.  Now, he is all better.
Ping:  Reeeeally?
Wife:  Really.
Ping:  Can I have a muffin?
Wife:  No.
Ping:  Reaaaaally?
Wife:  Really.
Ping:  But my back is broken!
Wife:  Your back is not broken, and you are not getting a muffin.
Ping:  Will Lukai have to go Doctor like me?
Wife:  Yes.  Yes he will.  But that is OK.  And you will be able to tell him all about it!
Ping:  Reaaaaaaally?!
Wife:  You really like "reaaaaally" dont'cha.
Ping:  *laughs*
Wife:  Can you help Lukai with the doctor when he comes?
Ping:  Mmmmmm... I think about it.  (I also love the fact that she is honest enough here to admit she will "think about it".  I was hoping for a "Yes!  I will take care of Lukai!", but that is still coming.  She will take care of her brother, she just may not know it yet, but she has that in her... I can see it.  She talks about teaching him how to "be not rude" and to "play nice")
Wife:  And are you excited for Lukai coming home?
Ping:  I think that maybe be OK.
Wife:  Oh good.
Ping:  Is my owie bigger?

I love that last question!  Sibling rivalry starting already!  The conversations really go on for much longer than that, but they start to get repetitive.  It is very interesting to see Ping work through her own life story by watching her brothers story unfold (granted there are differences.  Ping was in a wealthy 500+ child orphanage while Lukai is in Foster Care in a smaller/poorer city).  She can really see herself in it.  I kind of get now why people adopt more than 1 child (sometimes).

We waited 135 days for his LOA!  Uhg!

Originally, I thought 1 adoption and I'm done!  4 kids!  That's enough for any sane person!  Maybe a single adopted child is fine... because then adoption is the "normal" (goodness I hate that word) way child come into the home.  But for us, with 3 biological children, Ping was definitely aware of the difference... and I don't think she could connect her story to that of her siblings.  But she can do that now with Lukai.  And because she sees her other brothers and sister excited for Lukai before he even gets home... she is starting to understand she was loved before she got here and help connect her story to the siblings.  So that makes her story less scary.

And the fact that Lukai has Spinabifida as well... well, that makes her story even a little more less scary.

Now... having 5 children roaming my house in about 50 sleeps... that makes MY story a whole lot MORE scary.

Why Hello Spinabifida...

Ping:  Dad!  Dad!  DAD!  
Me:  What's up baby?  
Ping:  Can you take my picture?!
Me:  Of course!  Let me get the camera.  
Ping:  YAY!
... a few seconds later ...  
Me:  Okay baby, smile for Daddy!  
Ping:  What?  No.  I no smile.  
Me:  But you gotta smile for the picture.  You gotta look cute.
Ping:  I want you to take a picture of my back!  
Me:  Oh?  Your back?  
Ping:  Yea!  My back!  
Me:  Why?  
Ping:  Because I have something there!  
Me:  *smiling*  Yes, yes you do.  
Ping:  And people like to see it!  
Me:  Oh do they?  Well, that would explain why you keep lifting up your shirt in Sunday School...  that was an awkward conversation with your Sunday School Teacher.  
Ping:  What is on my back Daddy?  
Me:  Oh baby, we've talked about this before.  You had an owie on your back.  But the doctors fixed it, and now it is all good.  
Ping:  I had a surgar-ie on my back?  
Me:  Yes baby you had a surgery.  But, lots of people have had surgeries.  Mommy has had surgeries, Daddy has.  Even your big brother K has had surgeries.  
Ping:  But my back is broken?  
Me:  No baby, your back is fine.
Ping:  Can I see it?  
Me:  Yes, of course.  Here let me take your picture.  
Ping:  *looking at picture on the camera*  Heeeeeey, I have an owie!  Hahahahaaaaa!

That was not the 1st time, nor will it be the last time she will have asked me to take a picture of her back and show it to her.  Ping has finally clued in that there is "something" special with her back. Well, she clued into that fact a long time... I'm just slowly cluing into the fact that she has clued into it.

Now our beautiful Ping has Spinabifida - and not the "minor" one either.  We're talking doctors can't explain why she is doing so well when the tests show that she had nerve damange.  I'm not going to go into detail with all that right now, there are many great sites you can visit to get more information on Spinabifida (including this one), and our family blog has lots of information on Ping's specific spinabifida (I can be contacted if you require (or are curious for) more information on Spinabifida) - but what I really want to do tonight, as I sit here blogging is to paint a picture of what Spinabifida really looks like for us.  And since pictures are worth a thousand words, I'm gonna stop talking and add a couple of pictures.  Man, I wish my Grade 7 English teacher bought that "picture is worth a thousand words" principal... then the essays I handed in with all my doodlings would have been worth well over the 500 words she wanted me to write about Hamlet.  But I digress.  Sorry.  

Doctors...

Yes, we do have doctor appointments.  At first, it was quite often.  Many appointments with the neurologists, spine people, urologists, etc.  It was crazy.  But once all the initial assessments are done, its a once a year check up.  Hmmmm... kind of like NON-Spinabifida children have an annual check up.

Yes, there may be many Doctor appointments...

But she doesn't seem to mind.

Sports...

She does love her sports... she likes swimming.  Which is good, because it can be an excellent exercise for her.

At a friends pool...

... or at the beach.

Climbing...

She loves climbing trees, or play structures, she is going to follow her big sister G where ever she goes.  And since G loves climbing on everything, Ping follows.

The did eventually get stuck in this tree... and I had to get them down.

Happily she did NOT get stuck in the ropes though.

Soccer...

She was in the summer soccer league again this year, and yup, I was coaching.  This is her trying to steal the cooler full of freezies during a match.

Don't just stand there, help!

Karate...

Pings older brother D has been taking Karate for a couple of years now.  And much like any younger sibling, she wants to do what her brothers/sisters are doing.  The Sensis at the DoJo know she has spinabifida and have recommended that we get some chest padding for her, and put it on backwards when she starts sparing.

I'm a cute ninja!  Look, I had red flowers in my hair!

I have to blog about her 1st match, it was so cute.  I was worried that she would revert back to her  feisty ways, but when the sensi said "fight", she looked at me like "what, now, NOW I'm allowed to hit people?!"

Playing with others...

Me and the girls went camping a little bit ago - while playing at the beach and park the girls made friends with a small group of children (Indian, Vietnamese, french Canadian ... interesting group.  The kids didn't care) who were running relays.

And Dancing... oh yes, there will be dancing!

Every time a movie ends, its Dance Time!  The girls tend to jump up and shake their little booty until the music ends.  Well, this time, G was too tired to dance, so the Yeti had to fill in... I love at the end when she falls over shes shaking her booty so hard.

So yea, that's been about 2 weeks worth of life with Spinabifida there.  Well, the Doctors office was a while ago.  But the camping, swimming, relay running and booty shaking were all in the past couple of weeks... and it was a pretty busy week full of many activities which some may think impossible for a child with Spinabifida.  Now, every case is different, but this is ours... Hopefully there is something in there, that if you have been considering adopting, and maybe Spinabifida has come up in conversation, that you can use... even if only for hope. I know spinabifida is a big word, and I know it can be scary... and that's why most days when I see my daughter scratch her back, or lean awkwardly to the side I hear the voice in my head going "Why hello spinabifida... I had almost forgotten about you.  Guess I was too busy being amazed at how beautiful my daughter is."

Accident, Mafia Style #2

Another "accident"

Me:  Uuuuuh, what was that crash?!

Wife:  Ummmm... I don't know.

Me:  What happened?  Was it something outside?

Wife:  Oh, uh, yea.  The table broke.

Me:  The table broke?  How?

Wife:  ... uuuuuuhhhhmmmm...

Me:  *looking outside*  I guess the wind caught it and tipped it over?

Wife:  Yea!  That's it!  I saw the whole thing!  The wind just picked it up, and threw it off the deck!

Me:  Well, I guess it is windy and raining outside... hey... how come you are all wet?

Wife:  I uh, I tried to save the table?  Oh well.  Hey, I guess I get to buy a new one now!

Me:  Uh-huh...

Oh well... I never did like that table...

Now, I'm not saying that my wife "threw" the table off the deck.  I mean, the table probably weighs about as much as she does.  But maybe she could get the edge up just a bit... you know, just enough for the wind to catch it and send it sailing off the edge of the deck.

Hey, how come my little light plans aren't tossed all over the place?

All I know, is that there have been a few too many "accidents" around the house lately when it comes to things the wife wants to have replaced.

She also ran out last night and bought some hair dye to dye her hair.  She is now a blonde.  Although I enjoy the new hair colour, she has been asking me some pretty silly questions lately... the same evening she dyed her hair, she could not figure out how to use her computer... and if you are on the FOI, Rumour Queern or ZhongShan forums, you would know that she uses her computer ALOT for messaging.  I'm not saying its the blond hair, all I'm saying is that when she was a brunette we didn't have this problem.

Okay, so what is this really all about?  Its all about day 87.  Or so.  Not that we're counting.

Okay, *someone* is counting... and she is trying to distract herself.

Oh well.  I don't think it's working... BUT, if you are adopting from the ShanXi CWI, you might want to check out this link:  http://www.taiyuan-fly.com/

It is the orphanages home page.  There is a bunch of stuff up there... one of them is the story of an "one armed" lady who came to the orphanage to help teach the children and to show that they can have a happy healthy life, even if they are missing an arm...   I think it is great that the orphanage is doing things like this... it is very forward thinking and a great example for the children.

There is also a letter from the director of the orphanage - dosn't say much, and its a couple years old... but at least you can see that face of the person running the place caring for your children (if you are adopting from ShanXi).

They even have stories of international adoptions from their orphanage...

So there you go all your adoptive parents waiting like us... for 87 days...  hit up the orphanage website and kill a few hours struggling through the poorly translated English Translations (via google translate) gleaming tidbits of information about your child.

... that should keep her busy for a bit.  :-)

I guess joking aside, it is so very hard to wait...  to keep ourselves distracted... to keep ourselves from going crazy waiting to hold our new children.  How are they waiting?  Is my little Lukai somewhere in China right now, aware he is being adopted and anxiously waiting for us?!  I know since we've been home, Ping (our 1st adopted daughter) has asked us many time "Why you take so long to come get me!".

We're coming little Lukai!  We may have all new furniture when you get here here... and your mother may be a red head by then... but we are coming!

I am a Coward

Hello, my name is The Yeti...
... and I am a Coward.

Ping enjoying a horse ride, even with Spina Bifida

Now, I'm not ALWAYS a coward.  There are many many things in life which I face bravely.  I can wrestle with bears wrapped in bacon... but for the life of me, children scare me.

Now that might seem odd as I currently have 4 (and one waiting in China) children.

Maybe it isn't so much the child that is scary, but more of the what can happen to them that I find scary.

I read some of the stories here on No Hands, I talk to many adoptive parents of children with special needs, and I know a few family with children who have special needs or other disabilities... and I think... I am such a coward.

I know I have two children with special needs, so maybe that sounds brave.  But I don't feel brave.

Swimming is a great activity for children with Spina Bifida

We tell our family stories in safe places like No Hands, we tell our stories in the shopping malls, church, Yoga class, pottery class, yes, even poetry time at our local Starbucks.
We tell our family stories to encourage others that this adoption thing can be done.  That it can be done well.  That children can find loving homes.  That children with special needs can be loved, and excel in life and accomplish so many more things than anyone could have expected!  That our families can be complete with the joys of children...

... but it is scary, see... and I'm a coward.

See I read and hear some of these stories, stories like Lilah (covered here on No Hands), or the little guy with hearing loss because of a cleft, or my friends whose daughter will never walk and has other issues... and I'm scared... I think "I could never do that" or "I could never deal with that, all the doctors, and unknowns and blah blah blah".

My children are brave.  My children with Spina Bifida... they don't get the choice to be brave or to be a coward... they have to be brave.  I have the luxury of being able to be a coward.

So much braver than me...

However, being a coward isn't all bad.  Well, okay, it is.  But the good news is that you do not have to be a coward.  If you have ever read these stories and maybe been a little scared, maybe started thinking "You know what, adoption is too big, it is too hard, special needs are too scary"... that is never the intent of our stories.  We mean to encourage, to show that family works - regardless of how that family is made, or what special needs may be present.


I never though we could adopt a child with special needs... now, I would not change anything.  I love my children, all of them.  The special needs don't even factor into the love.


And even if they are as scary as you think, once you see your beautiful child, all the fear will dissipate and be replaced with love.  Eventually.  Once they stop yelling at you in Chinese... or pretending to slit your throat while you sleep... you know what, maybe is wasn't the Special Needs that I should have been worried about.

So, I'm The Yeti... and I'm a coward.  :-)

NOTE: 

Yes, you should get educated about your child's special need and maybe have your wife read a book about it, but then again - you should be getting educated to be a better parent anyway, special needs or not.  You should also parent according to you child's unique situation... I will probably never ask my children with Spina Bifida to be a professional gymnast... but that doesn't stop us from having a great life.  From one coward to another... read and get educated on special needs, they are not as scary as you might think. :-)

Oh no, they are just like me!

Waiting at midnight for StarCraft II to be released...

Son #2 (D):  Daddy!  DAD!!!
Me:  What?  Is something wrong?
D:  No.  I just need to know how to say something.
Me:  Oh, sure.  What are you trying to say?
D:  Your mother has a smooth forehead.
Me:  Your mother has a what?
D:  It's Klingon!
Me:  Yes, I know that.  It's also a pretty big insult in the Klingon language.
D:  Yea!  I know!  Look at this website!  Its called the Klingon Learning Institute.
Me:  Aaaaaah... memories.  Yes, when I was young, I used to goto that web site to learn how to speak Klingon.  I had a couple of guys in College who could speak it better than me though... good times.

... begin wavy flash back ...

Wife:  I'm so scared for our kids.
Me:  What?  Why?!  We're great parents!
Wife:  You promise you won't get mad?
Me:  Of course not.  What's wrong with the kids.
Wife:  Well, I'm afraid... oh never mind.
Me:  No no, tell me... what's wrong.
Wife:  Well, I'm afraid our kids are going to grow up to be geeks!
Me:  Oh, I see.  And this is MY fault?!

... end flash back ...

Me:  Huh... I guess it IS my fault.
D:  What is your fault Dad?
Me:  Oh nothing.  Go practice your Klingon.

Fighting over the StarCraft II game on the way home...

I love the fact that children study us parents.  We don't always know that they do.  But as much as we study them, they are studying us.  Sometimes, this is a good thing.  Sometimes, it causes them to want to learn Klingon.

Now I am more than happy to take the credit when our children display good behavior.  In fact, I would say that they learned their empathy, love, compassion, patience, long suffering, were learned by watching me.  I'm also pretty sure that all the bad behaviors are learned from their mother.  :-)

I was overwhelmed with geekish pride that my boy wanted to learn an Alien Language.  But at the same time, I was horrified that I apparently really WAS turning my children in to geeks!

What is going to come of my girls?!  Are they going to grow up enjoying Star Wars, Star Trek, Paintball, Computer Programming, String Theory, Physics and literary works by Hofsteader?!?!  Oh my!

Are they all doomed to be like me?

I can see their teen years unfolding now...
Some Greasy Boy (SGB):  Hey baby!  How YOU doing?
Ping:  Are you talking to me?  Ewwwww...
SGB:  Wanna come back to my place and see my car?
Ping:  Uh, no.
SGB:  Come to the football game?  I'm the star quarter back!
Ping:  Nah.
SGB:  Ummm, want to see my new AMD Bulldozer based computer system with 1333MHz overclocked RAM with 7-7-7-9 timings and a overclocked 2.2Ghz Hyper Transport Bus?!
Ping:  WHAT?!  Yes I DO!
SGB:  And then maybe after that we can watch the original Stargate Series!
Ping:  I think you are my soul mate!

Oh thats not good.  My work as a father is not done.  I still have a long way to go with my kids.  But hopefully at the end of my career as a father, my children will be able to look back on many wonderful things I taught them, even if I'm never aware of what those things are.

All the teaching, preaching, talking, yelling and such I do to help "teach" my children how to behave, or how to be polite well adjusted members of society is probably useless in comparison to what they learn simply by watching me.  I think with our adopted children (especially those who are older children), this is even more true.  They are being dropped into our lives unable to speak our language, without years of history being our children... all they can do at times IS watch us.  Hopefully while watching us, they will learn that they can trust us, and eventually love us.

Old picture, but you can see there is a history of my child trying to stab me with pointy thing...

When Ping came home with us, she was smart enough to hear what we were saying, and understand it.  But she was also wise enough not to trust what we said until she saw us live it out.  There was this gap between saying "I love you", and getting it at a head level, versus being told "I love you" and truly grasping it at a heart level.  I think the heart level becomes established when our children can actually SEE us living out what we say with our words.  I think Ping finally understood that I loved her, not when I told her for the 1000th time, but when I simply scooped her up in my arms instead of getting mad at her when she attacked me with the pointy stick.  Or when I let her curl up in my lap and cry after she tried to push me down the stairs...

Now, I have to go, teach my son how to insult an alien from the one of the Neutral system in their native tongue, and let him know just how proud I am of him.  All while making sure he doesn't tell his Mother what I'm teaching him...

I'm Outta here!

4 out of 5 arguments are started over Barbie Dolls...

G:  Daddy!  DADDY!  Ping is trying to take my barbie doll!
Me:  What?  Ping, are you trying to take G's doll?
Ping:  No!
Me:  Really?  Because I see her doll in your hand.
Ping:  No!
Me:  Ping, I can see that you have G's doll.  Don't lie to your Daddy.
Ping:  Well G being no fair!
Me:  Why?  What is no fair?
Ping:  She no give me her doll.
Me:  Ping, before we got in the car for our long drive, what did Dad tell you to do?
Ping:  To get a toy for the drive.
Me:  Right.  And did Ping get a toy?
Ping:  No.
Me:  Alright, well, next time, listen to your Daddy and bring a toy.  Now, please give G back her doll.
Ping:  No.
Me:  Ping.  What did Daddy just say?
Ping:  Ooooohhhhhh... alright.  Here.
Me:  Thank you baby.
Ping:  But if you do that again, then THAT'S IT, I'm OUTTA here!
*I slowly pull the car over to the side of the road and turning around*
Me:  Baby, where are you gonna go?
Ping:  I go back to China!
Me:  China?  You will never be "outta here".  Daddy is never going to let you go, and even if you WANT to leave, you are going to be stuck with me forever.  Understand?  Forever!  You no go back to China.
Ping:  Okay.  *a big smile slowly crawls across her face*

I'm outta here!

... a little while later when we get home from Chinese School ...
Me:  Hey, you'll never guess what Ping said today.
Wife:  What?
Me:  She got mad because she got into a little bit of trouble, and she looks at me and says "That's IT, I'm OUTTA here!"  Isn't that hilarious!
Wife:  SHE said what?!  Oh that little ... stinker!  She said that because she knew it would hurt!  That was deliberate.
Me:  Eh, maybe, probably.  I just thought it was funny.  I told her she was stuck with me... she seemed to deal with that truth better than you did when you realized you were stuck with me.

Oh kids say and do the cutest things!  One of my fellow adoptive families told me the funniest story about how on their first night with their newly adopted 5 year old daughter - that their adorably cute precious daughter eyed up the father and make the "throat slashing" action while eying him down... and trust me, the "throat slashing" action means the same thing in Chinese as English.  :-)  Or how their daughter mimed pulling the pin of a grenade with her teeth before throwing it at her new father!

Laughing with Dad

Ahhhhh, good times.  :-)

I think being a parent sometimes requires having a thick skin - and a slightly skewed sense of reality.  I think if I actually believed that MY daughter wanted to be "outta here" that it would have really hurt.  Okay, it hurt.  It really did.  Even though I knew she was just trying to get me angry and didn't mean it.

And I knew she didn't mean it... because between the odd "throat slash", "grenade" or "outta here" moment, there are so many precious moments spent with them curled up in our arms, lying on the couch with us, playing barbies, and tender moments filled with "I love you"s.  And those great moments out weigh the bad moments more and more each day.

So, to all those parents out there who have read about the loss and attachment issues, do not despair - there is hope.  I have seen our precious Ping change from a defiant child struggling with loss and attachment into a sweet girl who curls up and snuggles in with me at bed time, who is the 1st child to the door to greet me when I return from work, whose 1st question she asks me in the morning is "Daddy, can we cuddle?"

Just a little cuddle Daddy?

Amidst the loss, hurt, pain and loneliness can be found joy, love, peace and family.

Our children have such capacity for either side of that statement - for my part, I hope I pour more of the latter into my children, but that can only happen if I choose not to hold onto the former.