December 20, 2011

The Undiagnosed Special Need

Well, out little Bing is home, and has been for the past three weeks or so.  And he is doing great (at least with me).
HI!  I'm HOME!  And I'm CUTE!

For those who follow our Forever Family blog, you will know that Bing as some Special Needs.

When we got his referral, it stated that he did have Spinabifida.  I know I've talked about Spinabifida time and time again, so I'm not going to cover it here.

Then, we found out two weeks before my Wife travelled to China to bring Bing home, that Bing had been diagnosed with another Special Need - Vitiligo.  Which can be a minor cosmetic need, or a more severe auto-immune or thyroid condition.  Again, I think I've covered Vitiligo a few times, so I'm going to move onto the 'Undiagnosed Special Need'

This 'Undiagnosed Special Need' is a rather bad one as well.  It affects not only our little Bing, but the whole family.  Not just our family, but it can affect almost everyone he has known.  And in fact, there is no medicine to help, no surgical option and no guarantee that he will ever recover from it.  And it is also the reason this post is a little late today... because I was dealing with it last night.

What is it?  Keep reading.

Friend:  So how are things settling down with Bing?
Me:  Oh good.  Better than expected.
Friend:  So he has stopped hitting your wife and likes her now?
Me:  I wouldn't say that.  He gets along better with her.
Friend:  Hummmm... I wonder why.
Me:  Yea, I'm not sure...
*I turn to the 'Screaming Wonder'(tm)*Me:  WHY ARE YOU CRYING?!
Me:  Oh, right.  为什么你哭了?
Bing:  我的妈妈回来!
Me:  He wants his Mom to come get him.
Wife:  WHAT?!
Wife:  I AM HIS MOM!
Wife:  WHAT?
Me:  Yea, can't figure it out.  I wish he would give me a clue or something.
Me:  Why is his shirt covered in blood?
Wife:  Because he got a nose bleed he was crying so hard.
Me:  But he stopped crying!
Wife:  Oh... just wait a second... he will start again.
Me:  你好炎兵!
Bing:  *incoherent babbling*  爸爸 *more babbling* 飞机 *babbling* 回来!*begins crying again*Wife:  What is he saying.
Me:  Something about an airplane, and his Dad.
Friend:  Do you think it is because your wife is the one who took him away from China?
Me:  Yea, maybe.  Bing had been in the same foster home since he was 20 days old.  So really, the foster family were his mother and father.  I don't think a two year old understands the concept of "foster".
Bing's Foster Sister (BFS):  We all miss Bing very much.
Me:  I know.  He misses you all as well.
BFS:  I catch his Mom, everyday she looks at his picture you sent us and she cries.

Now, I am no Doctor.  But when I was younger, I liked playing one.  I am however, a Father.  And as such, I feel I am distinctly qualified to diagnose our sons 'undiagnosed special need'.  See, our son is suffering from a Broken Heart.

No, no CVT Valve, or holes in the muscle problems.  Those are different... those types of Special Needs are commonly diagnosed as Heart Defects.

My son has a fine heart.  No defects.  It is however, simply broken.

And as his Heart continues to Break... so to do the hearts of his new Mother and new Father.  His new brothers and sisters hurt for him, and his Foster Family back in Taiyuan miss him greatly and their hearts are breaking as well.

I have seen Broken Hearts render even the strongest man distraught and useless.  I have seen Broken Hearts take years to heal, if ever at all.

Unfortunately, there is no surgery to fix his condition.
Time is often considered to be a healing factor... but time can also cause the pain to worsen.
I have no medicine.
No crutches.
No words to soften the pain.
Cuddles help... its like Tylenol(tm) for a Broken Heart

I have two arms strong enough to hold him when he cries, and a heart big enough to love him while he hurts... but I can not fix this Special Need.

I really wish they would list this special need on the Adoption Reports.  Maybe it would help prepare the parents of these hurting children so we can better help and understand them.  Give them more grace when they cry, and more patience when they push us away.
Hope, as one Broken Hearted child continues to heal her
broken heart, she can pass encouragement onto the others

And if you DO have a child who is suffering from a Broken Heart, you are not alone.  I think almost everyone has had a Broken Heart at least once in their life.  :-)

And always remember the words of the highly regarded Rick Astleys, who obviously was trying to overcome someone else's broken heart, their doubt in love and dealing with a difficult past in love.  His words continue to help young people overcome Broken Hearts even today (20ish years after his initial writings were released):
Never gonna give you up
Never gonna let you down
Never gonna run around and desert you
Never gonna make you cry
Never gonna say goodbye
Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you


  1. I can totally relate, we have experienced witnessing the pain of a broken heart in our house :(
    Can't wait to get an update in a while, the love of a family can heal many hurts!
    Merry Christmas to you and yours :)

  2. Hi Adrian, this breaks my heart as well. I will pray for you all. How hard this must be for you guys and for him to push through.

    As an aside, thank you for your heartfelt comment on my first post. So very kind of you. Our hearts are still broken too...but everyday our resolve is a little stronger and our God is faithful.

  3. I am a foster mom in China and I deeply resonate with what you are saying. I love our little guy as much as if I'd birthed him from my own body. I have known from day one that we would have to give him up one day. But we love him fiercely and deeply and on the day we have to give him up,our hearts will break too. Last night, my husband picked him up and our little guy looked at me, said "Mama" and made the sign for " want more." That will stay in my heart for ever. Want more Mama.
    Our little guys sn makes him unlikely to be listed for adoption. So we hope and pray for a loving Chinese family to foster him for as long as possible.
    Thank you for acknowledging the broken heart. It is indeed very important.

  4. I hear you hon! I have a little guy who is heart is very broken and he is having a very hard time allowing himself to love us. And I have bruises on my body from him showing his aches. Praying for y'all too!

  5. Adrian -- I hear you! Our first, adopted at 22 months, coming from a foster family, grieved painfully for quite a while. He'd look at any doorway and call out for Mama. But, as you know, his healing was directly proportionate to his growing bond with us. I just kept telling myself how lucky we were to have a son that had known love and knew how to love in return. It didn't make the tears any easier but it gave us hope. Thank you for your thoughtful posts! I wish your family the very very best.

  6. Good morning Bro - yeah - what you said...there is no cure, no medicine, but time...

    And - as much as I hate to say it - we've had this 'issue' show itself with our older adopted kids from time to time even years after they were home...

    We may be unique - but somehow I don't think so - it's one thing they will always have with them!

    Only the best to all y'all in 2012!

  7. Well, we are about 5 weeks or so with him home. And the difference is already night and day! It never ceases to amaze me how durable these beautiful precious children are! Hopefully I should have more positive news for my next post. :-) Thanks for all the well wishes and encouragement!