When The FEAR Sets In

I have so many ideas for post topics in my head.

I have even started many times only to hit DELETE--DELETE--DELETE.

I just can't get the jumbled thoughts on paper or the blog-o-sphere.

I think it is due to pregnant/paperchasing brain.

Or maybe I just don't want to put it out there. Yet.

So.

We are adopting again.

Our Home Study is final, approved and on its way to us.

Next step. Send off I800a application tomorrow.

What? Wait a minute.

This is supposed to be going s-l-o-w-l-y.

Why is it that paperchases that you want to go at mach speed take F.O.R.E.V.E.R.?

But the one you say we will just take our time.

It takes one month for all of the paperwork to be D.O.N.E. except the I800a.

Which are averaging 60 days right now.

Not great.

But they have sped up since we started a month ago.

So, what does all of this mean?

I do not know.

I know it has this Momma wondering what is UP?

And I do mean UP. As in UP THERE.

Because I know God knows.

And while that leaves me feeling at peace, I admit to having some freak-outs with Him as of late.

Yesterday, I had to take the Li'l Miss to her PCP. I KNEW it was strep throat. She acts the way she was only when she has strep.

As the doctor was finishing the lowdown, my phone rings. I glance down and see (703) ... .

And my heart literally starts pounding.

I couldn't get outta there fast enough.

Li'l Miss looks in the sticker basket at Ms. C's desk on the way out.

Even though the sign says "1 sticker please", Li'l Miss gets 2 EVERY.SINGLE.TIME.

Because Ms. C spoils her. But there was but 1 sticker left.

"Come on, Li'l Miss, we gotta go." [thinking in head: why in the world was our agency calling???]

"But, Mommy!, I need 2 stickers. There is just 1 left. I NEED 2 STICKERS!"

Ms. C. has been cornered by a pharmaceutical rep. I wait momentarily and then as kindly as I can, I say, "Excuse me, Li'l Miss needs to talk to Ms. C."

Rep. obliges ... sort of. We get the 2nd sticker and head out the door. I can't get to the van fast enough.

Why is our agency calling???

Tap, tap, tap. Me dialing back the number.

"Hello, This is XXX."

Me: "Oh my goodness. Thank goodness it was only you."

Social Worker: (as she laughs) "Only me?"

Me: "Oh well you know. I just thought it was someone calling from Corporate. I am NOT ready for THAT CALL yet."

SW: "Oh, I see. No, just me calling to ask you to do this. I forgot at our last meeting."

With this adoption, unlike our last 3 adoptions, I just don't feel as hurried.

I know we are where we are supposed to be. That I am sure of.

But a long wait for a referral sounds great to me right now.

Maybe that is weird.

But it is honestly where I find myself today.

I know one day that phone will ring with the 703 number on the caller ID window.

And my heart will start racing.

And the person on the other end will say, "We have a referral for you. She is ... ."

And all will seem right with the world.

And I can't wait. Even if that takes months. Or longer.