The Child Desired Form.
It is one of the few pieces of paper that has not been completed in our home study paperwork.
It is a form that has an exhaustive list of medical special needs. We are supposed to "check" the special needs that we feel comfortable accepting. And I mean-- there is every special need you could ever think of on that list.
Why have we not completed it? What's the big deal?
It is SUCH a big deal. My heart. How it hurts! I want to check off every need on that list! Why? Because I know that for every need listed on the "child desired form", there are hundreds of children behind that special need. CHILDREN. Real little blessings.
And what if I miss out on the one God intends for our family because I'm afraid to check that special need?
Can one itty bitty check mark really make that difference? Can it?
When we began this adoption journey, (this is our fourth journey), we proclaimed that we were open to whomever the Lord intended for our family. Boy, girl, special need, age..we wanted to surrender that completely to the Lord.
Our agency had a list of "special focus" children available listed on their website. We prayed through those children. As the time drew near for our agency to send their files back, we continued to pray. And now the files have gone back to the CCAA, and our agency has new special focus children. I ask myself: "If I am open to whomever the Lord intends for us, why did I let those files go back? Why didn't I inquire about those children who are obviously available?"
I cannot answer that question. I thought I was open to whomever. And maybe it's simply that our child just wasn't on that list.
Regardless, this whole process is making me search deep to see my motivations, my desires, my trust (or lack thereof). And honestly, it's not pretty.
During our first adoption, we filled out the "child desired form" with no problem. We knew we would accept a child with cl/cp, or mild heart defect, or birthmark. As a matter of fact, it had been such a struggle for me to get to that place to switch over to special needs, that after we turned in that form I felt a great peace wash over me. It was a huge step for me.
Our second and third adoption began with us finding our child on an agency's individual list. So there was not even mention of a "child desired form", because God had led us clearly to our child.
Now, we are clueless as to who the Lord wants us to adopt. And yes, we can go through that checklist and check off what WE feel we can handle. We can do that. That is what we're supposed to do! I don't know though, I just CANT DO IT! It feels WEIRD. Like I'm shopping or something. I really wish it did not have to be this way.
Of course I totally understand the reasoning. Families need to pray through, research, and feel confident that they can handle certain special needs. I get that. There is no way around it. I get that, too. It just makes me feel yucky. And picky. And guilty.
Anyone else struggle with this "child desired form"?