December 13, 2010

Child Desired Form

The Child Desired Form.

It is one of the few pieces of paper that has not been completed in our home study paperwork.

It is a form that has an exhaustive list of medical special needs. We are supposed to "check" the special needs that we feel comfortable accepting. And I mean-- there is every special need you could ever think of on that list.

Why have we not completed it? What's the big deal?

Oh. My.

It is SUCH a big deal. My heart. How it hurts! I want to check off every need on that list! Why? Because I know that for every need listed on the "child desired form", there are hundreds of children behind that special need. CHILDREN. Real little blessings.

And what if I miss out on the one God intends for our family because I'm afraid to check that special need?

Can one itty bitty check mark really make that difference? Can it?

When we began this adoption journey, (this is our fourth journey), we proclaimed that we were open to whomever the Lord intended for our family. Boy, girl, special need, age..we wanted to surrender that completely to the Lord.

Our agency had a list of "special focus" children available listed on their website. We prayed through those children. As the time drew near for our agency to send their files back, we continued to pray. And now the files have gone back to the CCAA, and our agency has new special focus children. I ask myself: "If I am open to whomever the Lord intends for us, why did I let those files go back? Why didn't I inquire about those children who are obviously available?"

I cannot answer that question. I thought I was open to whomever. And maybe it's simply that our child just wasn't on that list.

Regardless, this whole process is making me search deep to see my motivations, my desires, my trust (or lack thereof). And honestly, it's not pretty.

During our first adoption, we filled out the "child desired form" with no problem. We knew we would accept a child with cl/cp, or mild heart defect, or birthmark. As a matter of fact, it had been such a struggle for me to get to that place to switch over to special needs, that after we turned in that form I felt a great peace wash over me. It was a huge step for me.

Our second and third adoption began with us finding our child on an agency's individual list. So there was not even mention of a "child desired form", because God had led us clearly to our child.

Now, we are clueless as to who the Lord wants us to adopt. And yes, we can go through that checklist and check off what WE feel we can handle. We can do that. That is what we're supposed to do! I don't know though, I just CANT DO IT! It feels WEIRD. Like I'm shopping or something. I really wish it did not have to be this way.

Of course I totally understand the reasoning. Families need to pray through, research, and feel confident that they can handle certain special needs. I get that. There is no way around it. I get that, too. It just makes me feel yucky. And picky. And guilty.

Anyone else struggle with this "child desired form"?


  1. I struggled with that list, then I remembered my best friend. She went into her first SN adoption with the thought of "no way no how to CP and seizure disorders"...but was just fine with other diagnoses. She got home, and over the course of the next 6 months she found out her daughter had CP and a seizure disorder.

    Her 2nd adoption, they said NO WAY to blindness, and now they may be facing blindness as a future for their 2nd adopted child...

    To my way of thinking, G*d will send the right child to your family regardless of what you mark, and will work with what you mark to get that right child to your family. KWIM? If you didn't mark something, then that may not be on their medical form but they may still have it.

    but as for that form itself, I struggled MIGHTILY with it. We ended up marking quite a few things, and then left others off...but told the agency that "we would really consider anything"

  2. That form was really hard for us too! We knew we had some limits due to our housing so that helped us. But, in praying through all those needs and researching them, we did end up checking one box that was out of our comfort zone. We now see that we were completely prompted by God and that our daughter is perfect for our family. I am so glad for the awful form now!

  3. We had to fill out a form like this for foster care and I too really struggled with it. For us though in the long run it didn't matter what we checked. God had a little boy all picked out for us and I don't think any one even looked at our list. We were matched before we even got our final copy of our foster care license.
    God has your child chosen and if you are open to His will, He will see to it that your get your child He has for you, I know His will, will not be stopped by a check mark or lack there of.
    God Bless

  4. We are so much alike - we struggled with 'the form' too - it made us feel so bad to try to decide that 'this but not that'....And strangly we opened our hearts (pardon the pun) to a 6 month old that after an echocardiogram would definately need heart surgery. This was on my list of "no's" - but we had a doc on staff at our Children's Hosp that felt certain it would be sucessful with maybe just one 'tune up' in later teen years....and so - against our 'first thoughts' said yes to our first adoption.....

    Brianna is 8 now - and hasn't had her first surgery yet - they couldn't find any issues with her heart once we got her home.

    We've had our miracle - three times now - it doesn't matter what you mark on the form, God will provide for all His kids - us parents included!

    hugs - aus and co.

  5. I think for us it was much easier the first time around. We were pretty naive to the whole adoption process especially the SN program. I will say that now with this (also our 4th) we were open to way more than we thought. Actually, we were way more open to more special needs than the first time around.

    It is definitely one of the hardest parts of the adoption process for us. I just don't like filling it out.

  6. Yes, yes, yes. We are waiting to hear about LID and then referral--our 4th child and 1st adoption--and I just sent an update email to our agency re: the checklist. I identify completely with your struggles. We are praying for peace and for God's loving guidance, even as we fill out that pesky form. He knows my heart, and I hope I am getting to know His better.

  7. The bleakest week of my life and of the years that I have spent with my husband was the week we completed "the form"!
    You have to leave all of your comfortable places and you find yourself standing there face to face with all of your fears and pettiness and your flaws.
    One little checkmark may not affect me that much but it sure can affect a child waiting somewhere in China- and that is just the awful truth. We know that as we are making the yes and no decisions. It's not the paper. It's not the facing yourself so much as it is knowing that with each no a column of children fall to the back of the line. And yes, I know that I am not "helping " here. That's just the way it is.
    On the other hand, for every yes we check, there is potential for home and family and healing. We can't save the entire world, though some days I wish desperately that I could. We can only do what the confines of our hearts and minds and finances allow us. I think that as adoptive parents who make these decisions, that we do it to the best of our ability. We are all human and we all have to face that there are things seemingly out of our realm of ability.
    The Form is always hard, and always leaves me hollow.

  8. Oh yes, the dreaded form. We've only filled it out the one time. And we had no idea what we were really doing. Thankfully God did and Caleb's SN wasn't on our checklist. I later asked our family coordinator what made them select him from the shared list and she said, "We had prayed about it..."
    I know that God is just waiting for you to give Him the green light to reveal your child to you. Praying my friend!