January 19, 2010

taking down the "adult adoptee" post

In the interest of this site, I took down the post about the "adult adoptee".

I would like to say that I am no expert and as I said in the original post, "maybe I'm naive and am missing a valid point".

for those of you who know me, you know that I am the first to raise my hand and get in line, eager to learn. i love that adult adoptee sites exist and that there is so much literature for me to delve into... i'm eager to understand.

i am for adoptee rights and understand much of their perspective. i stand by my belief though that ultimately we do have a choice in how we move, breathe, and live in this world and that what we suffer has the power to transform us - if we let it- for the better.

i appreciate the heated discussion. i'm glad we're talking to each other. i don't think it's necessary to be disrespectful. i'm just one little human in a large, complicated, puzzle. like you- all of you who commented- i struggle to find the right balance for my daughter and want to give her the best opportunities possible. i want to embrace every part of who she is- grieving, joyful- no matter what. i want to understand what she may face as she grows.

thank you for letting me share a bit of Hopgood's story with you. as i said in the post, i realize her case might be rare... but it's good to know there is a wide range in the human spectrum of our life experiences.

i hold no ill feelings toward anyone who slammed me. what's the point of being here if not to hash out our opinions? i just hope we can come to a common ground without continuing to flame one another, and realize that we're all just muddling through this in the best way we know how.

i'll be the first to hold out my hand.... and I apologize for offending anyone. i will never claim to understand the challenges the adult adoptee faces, i'm not one. but again- i will continue to try to bridge that gap as much as it can be bridged.


  1. I'm sorry for the difficulty that that post created. I had it bookmarked to read and re-read, as I've gotten fairly behind in most of my reading lately. I didn't even get to do more than skim the content. But I am sorry for that now.

  2. Kris,
    I am new to the world of blogs and would like to understand. I am not sure why you say you hold no ill feelings, but deleated the blog? Part of my journey toward healing is to try and speak my truth and understand and relate my feelings and have some active debate to further clarify my thoughts and to learn that I will not colapse in a heap if I disagree with someone.

    But now I feel silienced, as my post was deleated. Are blogs only meant for agreement of the authers points and if you want to post it should be to an author with the same views as yourself? Is it an unwritten courtesy that unless an author is very clear they are open to all views you should just not post?

  3. Kris, people responded so poorly because many of us felt like you lumped us all together.

    There are many realms of adoption. Many of the "angry adult adoptee" bloggers come from the realm of private, domestic, infant adoption where the only thing wrong with our original parents was that they were poor. Children who do not have food and clothes do not need new parents, they need food and clothes. My realm of adoption has very little to do with yours and yet you addressed my realm from YOUR perspective. This is what we "angry" guys over here were responding to. For wanting us to come out from under our "adopted" labels, we sure felt smooshed under an umbrella by you that we certainly don't fit under.

    I won't argue that adoptions in other realms absolutely need to take place. I would love nothing more for all of adoption efforts to become focused on providing homes for those with special needs or who were truly abused, orphaned or abandoned. But adoption shares my realm too, a realm that has highly unethical practices that can't be justified by the other realms.

    There is no "choosing" to overcome the incredible pain of a mother who relinquished her child because she was told she'd bee too selfish if she parented because she is poor, as women in my realm are frequently told. She cannot choose not to panic in front of the TV when she wonders if every harmed or killed child on reported on the news was HER baby. There is no healing the unknown or the lost years of her child's life that were taken from her. As an adopted person, I cannot "choose" to get over such an in justice towards humans either.

    But like I said, the aspect of adoption where many of us are coming from has nothing to do with the area of adoption you support or work with. We wanted you to understand adoption from our area's point of view instead. That is all.

  4. I'm sorry you had to remove your post but I certainly understand why you did. I'm eager to read "Lucky Girl" I ordered it and it should arrive this week!

    Our Blog: Double Happiness!

  5. i deleted the post out of respect for this website... since i am merely a contributor and not the owner.

    i agree that talking openly and learning from one another is so important. as i said, i'll be the first to get in line for that. i have great passion for the adult adoptee and the trauma they faced/face. i am a "young" (new) adoptive parent with much to learn and am fully open to learning; however, not at the expense of being slammed. i think there is a healthier and more respectful way we can communicate, that's all.

    and again, since this isn't my website, i didn't feel it was fair to leave the post up.

    i however was not the person who turned off comments. that was done by another contributor of this site.

  6. amanda... i wasn't lumping a group of people together or certainly never intended to- i don't have the power to do that. i simply wanted to post about the broad spectrum of responses to being adopted, shed some light on how unresolvable loss transformed me (positively, though it took years to get there) and show that there IS a broad spectrum of responses to the experience of losing your first parents and being adopted. it was refreshing to see in print what i already knew in my heart.

    i never spoke to the unethical practices that take place, nor did i bring up whether adoption as an institution is "right" or "wrong". i wasn't posting about the parents who relinquished their child. that's not at all what the post was about. that's another topic all together. and i am EQUALLY for the rights of birth parents.

    in an ideal world, no child would ever be forced to leave their first homes. with the exception of abuse, true abandonment, etc- as you state- i think better support needs to be in place to KEEP families together- as long as it is best for the child.

    as for children with special needs- again, another topic all together. i find it sad that these children lose their first homes due to socioeconomic and social pressures. these families, as much as any other, need support to be able to care for their children- just as much as I need that support to care for my child with a very significant special need. a child having a special need shouldn't be a reason for relinquishment. i'd like to think in the case of my daughter, who was not left until 3 months of age, that her parents truly wanted to keep her but just could not manage her medical care which was life threatening at the time. in essence, they saved her by leaving her at the gates of her orphanage.

    i also never spoke to the pain a parent endures in relinquishing their child to another family. but i will say the same as i have to many adult adoptees:

    some losses never leave us. they become woven into the very fabric of our being. we ultimately have the choice in how they effect us though: we can become bitter and angry, or grow. pain has amazing power- it is transformative, not unlike love itself. i would never expect any parent who gave up their child or any adoptee who lost their first family to "choose" to get over it. there are some losses that you never get over, i've said this so many times... they just become part of who you are. how do i know this? because i've suffered those kinds of losses.

    and, most importantly- I wrote the post. it was my viewpoint, my opinion and nothing more.

  7. ps. this form of communication is also misleading. i hope all of you realize that i am not at all upset... i was hoping to open a door and learn more.

    and i have.

    amanda i didn't see a link for a blog in your profile but i am in total support of your viewpoints expressed there ("about me").